Jonah Prayer

Yet again I find myself helping out with a youth group despite my recent relocation (granted I grew up in this area). It's my lot in life and something I'm grateful for which God still sees me as being useful. Truth be told, it becomes a return blessing.

Our current series is on Jonah - one of my favorites in the minor prophets due to the number of questions with which he leaves me [1]. This past Sunday we went through Jonah 2, talking about the importance of prayer and the repentant/emergency type that Jonah brought to God. The youth pastor asked the other youth workers to write our own prayers to share, using Jonah's as a model, and passed this task to the kids as well [2].

I had been wracking my brain the past few days trying to get to a mental state where I could even think like second chapter Jonah. I typically mix a lot of song and Scripture in my prayers which causes most of my written prayer to come out in a poetic form. To get the juices flowing, I went to some songs I knew that I had used in my Jonah moments: Wedding Dress by Derek Webb, Second Chances by Needtobreathe, Mystery of Mercy by Andrew Peterson, Lesser Things and Jealous Kind by Jars of Clay, and Breath of God by Dicky Ochoa. These, mixed with a little Hosea (another of my favorites) and Jim Elliot's "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose" [3], and further added to a rough, mostly-sleepless night, brought me to that mindset I needed to break down and bare all. The following is the fruit of my self-induced heartache.

A Vomit-Soaked Prayer from the Beach

My God, my God, why have You accepted me?

Should not traitors die and thieves pay back sevenfold?

And what less have I stolen but time? Blessed time!

That for which the weak crave and infirm pine,

And thus have I squandered,

Whoring myself to lesser gods.

And time – time knowing no reverse –

Passes through me like flour a sieve.

Were You to count that which I have stolen

And require of me that sevenfold return,

That I could not repay less than the whole of me

And still find debt wanting.

I step from what is need to vain desire,

Trading time to waste and peace to fire,

And then I wait for more.

My God, my God, why have You accepted me?

Why call whore “bride” and runner “son”?

What use do You see to encourage Your pursuit?

Yet pursue You still, with unfeigned vigor,

That, when I tire of Your breath on my neck,

I must turn to feel it on my face.

You are the God who does not quit,

The Self-Existent with whom there is no ceasing.

For this I give what is not mine,

That which I would lose and cannot keep,

And receive what I cannot buy,

Cannot make, nor can I find.

This I snatch from You –

As if I thought it be taken back –

Life in death, grace in justice, freedom in chains.

My God, my God, why have You accepted me?

[1] Will he be in the Kingdom? Did he actually die (in sea or 'fish') and was brought back to life? Was he simply allotted his time and mission to make a point much like that in the parable of the prodigal son? etc.

[2] I have a sad feeling we may never see these from the kids (although I don't even know if any of the other youth leaders have written their Jonah prayers yet).

[3] Yes, I am aware that he was just (mis)quoting Philip Henry who said, "He is no fool who parts with what he cannot keep, when he is sure to be recompensed with what he cannot lose."

Sites to Share - Behind the Name

As a new category or feature of this blog I thought I might share some nifty websites I've come across over the years. These are simply "Sites to Share" - nothing more, nothing less. I'm not receiving compensation from these sites to advertise or send readers their way [1]. On the other end, I'm also not just throwing a bunch of random sites up here. These are sites I actually use and have benefited from using [2].

The first of the "Sites to Share" is a little section of the net known as Behind the Name. This website provides a searchable database of given names and their etymology [3] for over 50 different linguistic backgrounds - including names based in mythology. The site also provides information on name popularity, anagrams, some basic root-words, and message boards. One of the helpful features I've found is a categorical grouping of names based on theme, which could definitely prove useful if you're searching for a baby name.

I like this site because I have an interest in etymology anyway. My name means 'humble but wise, who is like God, a person of victory'. I like the ring to that and I like checking out the meanings of friends' names to see if I notice any connections. I think names can be important. They can be an expression of the parents' faith for what a child will end up like. They can also be the choices of fools who merely wanted something that sounded 'cool', 'unique', or pleased the family. Whatever the case, names have significance and the people to which they belong have their own interesting connections.

I use this site when I write or do studies. The site has a random name generator, which proves useful when you need a character name or some inspiration. The site can be helpful if you want to slip some foreshadowing into your writing through a name, if you're writing an allegory and need a name with the right meaning, or if you want to avoid using the wrong name for a character. As far as studies go, whether you're looking at Biblical studies, historical research, or mythological inquiry, names matter and can give you clues as to the underlying themes to watch for in what you are investigating.

I've found Behind the Name to be a useful and entertaining spot on the web. It has vast potential for investigation and creation. Check it out sometime, play around with it, and see if it will be one of your sites to share [4].

[1] If I ever do, I'll let you know, but they will be sites I enjoy/approve of as is. I oppose the idea of participating in the advertisement of a product one does not personally use and enjoy.

[2] By 'benefited from' I typically mean the sort of intellectual-emotional pleasure I get from learning something new. I have a lovely habit of doing what I call "Wiki-dives" where I follow a rabbit trail of linked material within linked material, taking me through diverse disciplines and random knowledge I may never use but like to have. I've already described my bibliophile/gnosophile nature.

[3] For those who don't know, etymology is the explanation of the meaning behind the words, including history and linguistic development. It is not simply the definition but how the words came to be and previous definitions (i.e. saying that someone was 'nice' was the equivalent of calling them an idiot at one point in time). This leads to the title of the site being Behind the Name - it contains the meanings and history behind the names.

[4] I apologize for the lame name-dropping at the end. I know that I could edit it out but I figure it could help you to understand how mind-blown I am today. I've recently been on a job search so I've been bouncing around, reading job descriptions, and filling out online applications. It's a lot of work but I'm hoping it will be fruitful. I've come across some interesting companies with projects/products with which I'd love to get involved. I'm switching fields from education to engineering so I'm having to reeducate myself on some of the job posting terminology. Bear with me. Maybe my experiences will lead to some interesting posts.

Engineering Relationship - Project Milo and Applications Beyond Gaming

Raise your hand if you're familiar with the Kinect peripheral for the Xbox 360. I assume most readers will be raising their hand at this point and then questioning why they are doing so as I can't exactly see them as they read my blog [1]. But I digress. The Kinect (originally referred to as Project Natal) was released November 4th, 2010 and has gained in popularity and sales ever since. I was originally skeptical due to anticipated hardware and software limitations and its pathetic webcam predecessors: the EyeToy for Playstation 2 and Xbox Live Vision [2][3]. However, having played around with it a few times at friends', I can safely say that I think they did a decent job. The Kinect isn't perfect, but it shows a start in the right direction.

Now, with all of that stated, raise your hand if you're familiar with something known either as Project Milo or Milo and Kate. I'm going to assume that unless you came here through a search engine - specifically searching for either of those - or unless you've already heard me rant about it, then your hands are comfortably placed in their usual computing positions [4]. I'm also assuming that this is for a reason beyond your realization of the futility of raising your hand without the observance of the one who has requested it [5].

Anyway, Milo is a project by Lionhead Studios - known for the 'god games' of the Black & White series, as well as the Fable RPG series. I call it a 'project' because its actual status and nature has fluctuated more than Oprah's weight. It debuted at E3 back in 2009 with a questionable [6], yet impressive, 'gameplay' video. Since then, Peter Molyneux, Lionhead's creative director, seems to constantly push that it will be a retail product (a 'game' if you want to call it that) - even presenting specific features and story elements at TEDGlobal 2010. They've even had their drama director, John Dower, present a technology/concept overview. It appeared to be some mix between The Sims, Animal Crossing, and one of those Japanese dating sims, with the exception that you're more of a friend/older brother character to a young boy as opposed to trying to get lucky [7]. Despite this, the project has been declared 'canceled' several times - the last of which being this past September - with its elements being called 'tech demos' or being incorporated into other games. However, all of these statements tend to get retracted or made all the more ambiguous, so who really knows what has happened to poor Milo.

It's at this point that I will reveal my personal agenda as far as Project Milo goes: I want this thing to both a) see the light of day in a retail product and b) inspire a new field of technological application and design.

Here's why:

1. Milo is visually beautiful - Although that sounds weird, you have to admit that the demos contain graphically impressive technology. Milo's world feels real - having both detailed, manipulatable, settings and a nifty virtual reality touch. The mega-mesh technology and drama direction look to pull you in to the project's setting. In addition, the attention to Milo's character design, both features and expressions, give him a lifelike existence that I might actually grow to care about [8].
2. Milo implements immersive interactive technology - The use of the Kinect for a motion-intuitive control scheme [9] that can integrate other manipulatives and surrounding details into the overall experience (such as giving Milo your own drawing or having him recognize the color of your shirt) is praise-worthy [10]. Furthermore, the proposed concept of a growing personality and conversation dictionary for the character via a network database shared with other players gives Milo (character and project) room to grow and self-patch from potential bugs. All references to Skynet aside [11], this concept of Milo receiving general updates from all users, and integrating current events, gives the project an expansive, extended-game play value. The potential for it to track your other Xbox habits (gaming or movies) and noted events [12] to develop conversations around makes Milo more personal as well. There has also been suggestion that Milo can keep track of multiple individuals at once or over the course of time. You can introduce him to new friends or the rest of your family and build relationship profiles for everyone - thus merging worlds.
3. Milo has character and story - Okay, so this part hasn't been fully revealed but it has been suggested that you are basically Milo's friend helping him through a difficult transition. Milo is a British boy of unconfirmed age [13] who has just moved to the States with his parents. His parents appear fairly stressed as is, so he doesn't get much support from them. Based on some of the released conversation points, it's even possible that Milo's dad may be in the military (or even died while in the military) and that could be the reason for the move, his irritable mother, and more of his melancholy moments [14]. This is where you, as the player, enter Milo's world. He needs someone and, despite your exact nature, you get to provide support, guidance, moral development [15], and basic friendship to young Milo. Storyboard images released back in March portray it as an adventure game with a forest section and reveal Milo's dog, Kate. All-in-all you're taking Milo . . . somewhere, although the joy is really in the journey. It's still inventive storytelling that pulls you into the game, more so than other games typically praised for this.
4. Milo actually has some real-world applications - Not to give any fuel for the fire of the 'violent games train you to kill people' crowd, but Milo or similar programs could be used for training - especially if you incorporate a complex point-and-rank system. A project like this could be used for screening or training foster-care and adoption applicants, counselors, social workers, daycare workers, baby-sitters, and teachers. You could even adjust the program for counseling purposes to help kids work through their own problems or prepare parents and caregivers to help identified children with special needs who will soon be in their care. Preparatory autism training for a new parent? Friendship-building training for shy, bullied, or bullying kids? New child preparation for an adoptive family's current children? Think about potential personality, problem, or training modules that could be developed. Milo could be from a traditional, single-parent, blended, or adoptive family. Milo could have issues with anger, loss, attachment, ADHD, personal phobias, nocturnal enuresis, reading, learning disabilities, stress, or a number of other childhood struggles - individually or in multiple layers. Milo could have interests ranging from artistic, athletic, scientific, philosophic, religious, technological, etc. In essence, Milo has potential to be far more than a recreational game. It could be educational, helpful, and encouraging.

In conclusion, Project Milo, while it seems hopelessly ambitious and difficult to promote as a mere game, involves innovations and potential applications that are too valuable to simply discard or cannibalize for novelties in traditional gaming. Although applications could be negative based on user-developed material [16], I think the potential for a positive utilization of the concept for training and personal development can far outweigh these abuses. I want the next news I hear of Project Milo to be a green light for its continued development and production of a marketable program. I'd hate to think of this as another concept that has been dropped because of short-sighted investors. Seriously, Microsoft, this would give me (and other markets) a reason to even buy an Xbox [17]. I'm sure any number of users would love to adopt (and be adopted by) Milo. Let us bring him home and expand our worlds! [18]

[1] Or can I? . . . No . . . No, I'm not that bored.

[2] Note that I am not linking these.

[3] Also note that I do not include Nintendo's Wii in this as I do not consider it to be operating on the same principles. It functions from infrared signal motion detection while the others are based around image processing.

[4] Or perhaps one is helping you to enjoy a tasty snack.

[5] I may have accidentally introduced something of a Zen koan here.

[6] Wired especially seemed schizophrenic with both hope at the potential and a healthy dose of skepticism.

[7] Although nice debates spawned over just how interactive things would get with Milo. Some even questioned whether it could be used as a course in pederasty. You can look up some of these forum debates and spoofs on your own time if you're really so interested.

[8] The only other time I've even remotely cared about a character in a game is in the Silent Hill series of games (mainly because I could somewhat identify with the character's complexity and struggle).

[9] Which works far better than I ever would have imagined at this stage.

[10] Although this does make me a little leery about what I may have, or may need, sitting around my game area. Not to mention the fact that this will be the first time I'll feel the need to wear pants while playing a video game.

[11] It's been beat to death anyway.

[12] Remember his farewell from the video that included a reminder about your mother's birthday? This could prove potentially more useful than facebook but also gives you more reason to care about Milo - it kind of feels like you actually know each other.

[13] Seriously, I've heard anything from 8- to 12-years old. The suggestion has been made that you are Milo's imaginary friend, which would make me lean toward the younger age, but I've not seen as much confirmation of this. It could be that you are like a sibling, cousin, or real friend. I feel more comfortable with the idea that you are actually a real entity in this world as Milo has an EXTREMELY overactive imagination (or psychosis) otherwise. Meaning someone is bound to notice, diagnose, and eliminate you with a nice pill.

[14] Perhaps even the one clip where he shouts at you is tied to a story line of loss, or even conflict between his parents. There are several interesting routes this could take.

[15] You can choose to either promote or prevent him from squashing a snail, oh my!

[16] Think of Second Life.

[17] Xbox fanboys can shut it. There has yet to be anything brought out that would make me invest that cash when I'm primarily a PC- and retro-gamer. I've got just as good (if not better) games and opportunities in those realms.

[18] A final legal-related note: I do not represent, nor have I received any compensation from, ANY of the companies/persons who own, produce, or develop the hardware, software, or services mentioned above. All products, titles, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I presently have no affiliation with any of the linked or described entities (apart from the link to a previous post of my own).

With that said, if any of the companies/persons mentioned above would like to hire an electrical engineer with experience in logic design, software-hardware integration, and programming using bio-inspired (genetic) algorithms, I'm available and would love to aid in this and similar projects.

To my readers: I apologize for the bit of self-promotion just now but, hey, it's a cool project and I need a career. Also, consider the rest of this blog. I would be the perfect person for working on all levels of the development and could help you bring a realistic Milo home.

Rabbit Hole Verses - Judges 6:13-14

Gideon answered him, "But sir, if the LORD is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are all his wonderful deeds that our ancestors recounted to us, saying, 'Did not the LORD bring us up from Egypt?' But now the LORD has cast us off, and given us into the hand of Midian."

Then the LORD turned to him and said, "Go in this might of yours and deliver Israel from the hand of Midian; I hereby commission you."

- Judges 6:13-14 (NRSV)

Our verses above [1] show us a young Gideon venting to someone he does not at first realize is a messenger of God and then God seemingly taking his vents as volunteering. Doesn't seem very fair, does it [2]? However, when we analyze what's going on here, we then see that Gideon is essentially asking the common question of today:

"If God's so good, then why does He let ____________ happen?"

First of all, if you are living in the United States and haven't heard a question like this yet, then I'd like to welcome you out of your hermitage and, furthermore, to the Internet. Second of all, if you are living in the United States - or if you are a human in general - and haven't said something like this yet, then you've led an extremely sheltered life and I'd like to welcome you to the Internet with a warning that you are probably soon to feel much like Siddhartha Gautama when he first left the palace.

Now, onto our analysis. Gideon is doing what we all do at some point or another - looking at his present situation and seeing a severe disconnect from what he is told has been promised or has happened before. Gideon has a clear understanding of the problem, but a poor understanding of the needed solution.

When I hear questions like that above, it is usually coming from someone who is either trying to justify their disbelief or is looking for an excuse to disbelieve so that they can justify their other behavior. Essentially, they want an easy way out of actually having to think and don't really care about the problem that fills the blank. Unfortunately, the issues that are brought up are real but often ignored by these and others who want to make it someone else's problem [3]. They are willing to complain but not to do anything beyond that. However, there are some who actually care and to those, I address this post.

Many solid Christians also have these questions, but keep them to themselves for fear of either being labeled as faithless complainers or having to admit that they don't know how to handle the situation on their own [4]. To you, I also address this post.

There are others in the body who have these questions and may even voice them considerably, but have no desire to actually do anything to help. They consider themselves to be helping merely by pointing out what they perceive to be problems - perhaps even seeing themselves somewhat as prophets, leading the church in the way they think it should go [5]. To you, well . . . hopefully you will get something out of this.

Anyway, we all have these questions like Gideon. We recognize that something isn't right in our world and needs to be fixed [6]. We voice these concerns and what does God do? He makes it our problem. Or does He make us its solution?

Cue the turn-around music.

When we take this verse into consideration with others like Ephesians 2:10, which point to us as having been created to fulfill what was a foreseen need, we suddenly find our complaint to be an agreement. Something is wrong and the fact that I recognize it suggests that God wants me to be part of the solution. Look back at what God said to Gideon:

"Go in this might of yours . . . I hereby commission you."

God sees something in Gideon (concern, caring, whatever you want to call it) that gives him might that will ultimately be used to fix the situation. He had already prepared Gideon for a time such as this, a time when He would use the boy to accomplish something great beyond the boy's ordinary capacity.

When you are moved by an injustice, recognize that God is also moved (check out His Word for more information about it). Recognize that He may very well be moving you and preparing you to correct it. Don't use it as a cop out to turn away!

I once was listening to a friend of a missionary (who is also now a missionary) [7], who was talking about a terrible time through which his friend had gone. Long story short, he could probably swap lamentations with Job. When asked by someone if he felt like God had failed him, he replied, "No, someone failed God!" That statement has stuck with me.

Disaster and suffering are going to happen, but it's what gets done with them that matters. We were put in charge of this world and we drop the ball time and again. However, we were made with good works in mind. Furthermore, we are where Heaven is to meet Earth. We can whine about it or we can go in the power that He gives us and fix it.

What seems like a long time ago now, God put a special urging of this type on my own heart. He opened my eyes to the path of the Spirit of adoption and the pure and undefiled religion for which I was made. When I watch things like Hotel Rwanda or see things in the news, my heart is moved for the fatherless. I know there are other issues surrounding these tragedies, but God has called me to the fatherless. I also know that other Christians have not been called in such a way as I have - my call being more to the midst of it. I pray for other workers for these fields, but I also respect the workers of other fields [8]. We will solve these problems and others in our parts. We are all called, so we must be attentive to the promptings. We are all called, so we must not try to buck the responsibility off on God - He's already doing His part, and through us!

Let's not ask, "If God's so good, then why does He let ____________ happen?" Instead let us ask, "God, You're so good, what can we do about ____________?" Be ready to follow His guidance. We are all called, so we must not fail God.

[1] Please read Gideon's whole story for context.

[2] Although we shouldn't go arguing fairness with God as it's never worked for anyone else. Ultimately our definition of 'fair' tends to be lacking in both knowledge and wisdom, falling into selfish desire and weak attempts at self-justification. We're really no better than Satan in that regard, but that's a blog for another day.

[3] One common example of this is the genocide that goes on in Africa. I recently finished Hotel Rwanda with a good friend of mine. I say finished because I had started watching it at another friend's a long time ago but had to leave half-way through to get to a class. Sadly, that was not just a one-time ordeal and terrors like that have been perpetrated in many areas of the world throughout time (see Schindler's List sometime). I've noticed that a lot of people talk about this but very few really do anything - and that's even after I remove those who are called to serve elsewhere.

[4] The last three words being key.

[5] These types are especially dangerous when they do involve themselves. They typically make everyone else's lives a living heck while they continue on their warpath to renovate. They have forceful personalities and tend to be expert manipulators. Although they probably won't recognize themselves as they read this blog (everyone appreciates all of their hard work, right?).

[6] Although, sometimes, it's our perspective that needs adjusting, there is still a problem to be addressed. Also, I recently read something that pointed to this notice of a lack of what we will call justice as an argument for the existence of God. The argument is weak. Although I don't have time to deal with it here (maybe Kyle will), I will simply ask you to avoid using it - you probably won't once you think about it anyway.

[7] I know, I know. A lot of missionaries tell some great stories that are delightfully unconfirmable that people get all jived up about. This is not one of those stories. Mostly because I don't remember the details, but more so because the details really weren't important - it was the thought.

[8] This is a point that many miss, especially those in [5].

Feeling Sing-Songy Today

Filter Veil

Written by Shannon Nichols

4 July 2011 @ ~1PM

You've kept that veil on for far too long

And your sight is blinded to approaching da-awn

You want to see but through your filter you can hide

And keep it all on the inside

You've mourned the loss of your childhood

You'd bring it back if you knew you cou-ould

You want to be but through your drama you can hide

And keep it all on the inside

Well you won't tell anybody 'bout the way you feel

And you've always gotta question 'bout the time you ste-eal

If you'd look to Him, y'know He'd finally set you free

But then where would your filter be?

You've kept that veil on for far too long

And your sight is blinded to approaching da-awn

You want to see but through your filter you can hide

And keep it all on the inside

You've tried to be there for your little boy

And though your love's there you're still losing joy-oy

You want to be but through your drama you can hide

And keep it all on the inside

Well you won't tell anybody 'bout the way you feel

And you've always gotta question 'bout the time you ste-eal

If you'd look to Him, y'know He'd finally set you free

But then where would your filter be?

O-Oh where would your filter be?

He says:

I'm giving me to you

C'mon I'll pull you through

We're takin' off that veil

And finally see what's real

We're gonna finally see what's real-

Well you're gonna tell somebody 'bout the way you feel

And you're gonna say you're sorry 'bout the time you ste-eal

'Cause you looked to Him and He finally set you free

Yes He finally set you free-

Well you're gonna tell somebody 'bout the way you feel

And you're gonna say you're sorry 'bout the time you ste-eal

'Cause you looked to Him and He finally set you free

Now your eyes can look and

See the beauty in your life

Free from anger, free from strife

You've let down your veil

And without filters you now can see-

A love that finally lets you be-

Well you've gotta tell somebody 'bout the way you feel

And you're gonna keep on singin', there's no time to ste-eal

'Cause you looked to Him and He finally set you free

Yes He finally set you free-

A Walk Down Memory Lane Is Like A Walk Down Dysfunction Drive (Or, My Childhood in Silent Hill)

Please allow me to make a confession: I like the horror genre of games and movies. Note that I say horror and not necessarily gore. I actually enjoy the rush from identifying with the lead character's psychological torment and the complex yet oh so simple nature of fear [1]. As such, I get a kick out of the Silent Hill series of games which focus on a single player character's trials as they journey through their own guilty psyches in a custom-made limbo [2] around the terror town of Silent Hill. The games are designed with an amazingly eerie atmosphere of sights and sounds that remind you that you are so utterly alone [3]. The other night I decided to kick back and partake of Silent Hill 2 and I began to reflect on my childhood.

My current read is What Your Childhood Memories Say About You by Dr. Kevin Leman so the connection was not that big of a leap. Leman's basic premise is that your childhood memories can provide a basic look at your private logic as you essentially hold on to memories for specific, personal reasons. This is why I can't seem to remember for what I drove to the grocery but I can tell you about the time when I was four that I left a grocery store with a woman who looked like (but was not) my mother [4]. He also works in some great discussion of nature and nurture, focusing on how the nature leads to the specifics of nurture and how birth order can affect personality development [5].

Two of my earliest childhood memories [6] seem oddly reminiscent of the Silent Hill series. The first happened when I was about three or four. I was playing on my parents' unmade bed and slipped. Fortunately the sheets caught me before I busted my head open; unfortunately, I became trapped in a cocoon of those very same sheets. After squirming for a bit and deciding I was thoroughly trapped, I started shouting for mom to come and let me out. She never came. I continued at higher and higher volumes (and pitches) until it all seemed quite hopeless.

In the Silent Hill series, you're usually alone in the town. Sure, there may be other 'people,' but they are generally unhelpful and not the best company. The foggy city with many blocked paths and gratuitous use of fences provides the perfect atmosphere to make you fell isolated, trapped, and quite hopeless.

It was at that point, while wrapped in a pouch of sheets, that something in my young mind developed: "If I'm going to get out of this, then I will have to do it myself. I can't rely on anyone else to do it for me. It's up to me to solve my own problems - to find my own way." I then worked on a method of guess-and-check to figure a way out of the sheets. After who knows how long, I was free. I then found mom in the next room, completely oblivious to my prior plight [7]. Leman points out that only children typically have memories of "fierce independence" that are "often without anyone else in them" as well as "fearful memories" with themes of "making mistakes" and including "plenty of detail." Sounds like my memory in a nutshell.

The point of my memory, however, is that it awakened a necessary independence in me that has persisted to today. I typically solve my problems on my own and approach life's issues with an analytical mind. I also tend to apply that mind to help others. I have an "if it is to be, it is up to me" mentality that often leads me to take up tasks to help others without being asked (sometimes good, sometimes bad). For example, a few years ago I took over the sound and media at a church plant at which I was leading youth when the actual sound guy failed to show up the fourth week into it. It's about three years later and I'm still helping with sound at my current site's youth and adult services. I had to teach myself at first and eventually received some actual training. I will confess that it's not exactly something I like to do, but it is something I understand is necessary and will do as needed. We had a meeting this past Saturday and our head of media talked about needing to have a calling to that ministry. I guess I received my call back in that tangle of bedsheets. It's my natural inclination to independently jump in and try to fix things.

The other memory is actually a recurring dream (or nightmare) I've had since I was four [8]. In the dream, I'm stuck in this house. It seems very clean but very barren. No one else is visible. When I try to look out the window, I can't - as if there's nothing to look at. I know that the house has white siding but I never see it (odd thing to know but never see). I keep trying to find an exit and explore the house but I never find one. In one part of the house, which is filled with light through all of the windows, there is a dark room (with no windows). I try to go in and see what is in there. As I do, I get this horrid feeling like I'm not alone and then I feel like I'm moving. Suddenly, it's like the lights pop back on and I'm right back where I started in the entrance hall. I'm trapped and alone, but I'm not alone.

I'm sure a psychologist could find many things to comment on here but in the game Silent Hill: Shattered Memories, Harry Mason (the game's protagonist) at one point goes through such a room. It's like the developers scavenged my brain to find the most terrifying memory from my past. This memory sticks out to me because of the unease felt in the isolation. Going lucid didn't help. Even when I would stay and wait in the lighted rooms of the house, it was almost as if the dark room would seek me out and draw me into itself. The house was always unfamiliar and it seemed to change itself when I wasn't looking [9] so the dark room could show up right around the next corner or right behind me.

I can't say I've learned much from that dream other than I hate feeling trapped and I hate being messed with. It's somewhat like the movie Cube or the game Portal (or the Silent Hill series). Come to think of it, most of the games and movies I like seem to allow me to vicariously relive and, potentially, triumph over this nightmare. Hmmm . . .

Isn't it fun to self-analyze?

What are some of your childhood memories?

Heads up! I'll probably revisit this topic a few times. It's a good book.

[1] This may be due to or why I am such a fan of The Twilight Zone.

[2] Or Hell, depending on your interpretation.

[3] But not as alone as you wish you were.

[4] Thankfully she didn't want to take a little boy home for keeps but she did have ice cream in her bags so I probably wouldn't have minded.

[5] He seems to have me, my dad, my mom, and several others I know pegged in regard to his birth order theories. If you're looking for a birthday gift for me, I'd love to read his full book on birth order.

[6] Don't worry, they won't all be shared here.

[7] I have forgiven her for this. The radio was on and the kitchen window was open, allowing the screams of youth soccer to fill the house.

[8] Most likely one of the nightmares that was brought on by a head injury I received at daycare that led to many years of EEGs, CAT scans, and seizure fears.

[9] Think of the stairs at Hogwarts.

Picking Up An Old Project

So a couple of years ago I started a little creative writing project at WEbook. Well, I got busy and never wrapped it up but I also never forgot about it. Today I was killing some time between things I had to be at and picked it back up. The basic premise is that of an alternative reality set in the near future in which I do the 'Dad blog' thing like one of my favorite bloggers, Poop and Boogies. I based it on a few general characteristics from my life and used it as a way to process some information from a class I was taking. In it, I have a five-year-old son named Andrew. This is odd because a) I have never had any intention of naming my son Andrew and b) shortly after writing the original piece I met some people who had a five-year-old named Andrew who looked exactly like what I was imagining.

I've got two other posts I'm working on now. One is reflecting on a book I'm reading and a video game series I enjoy. The other is a commentary on the three levels of worship that I formulated today while at a worship/media team meeting.

These will probably both be posted within the next week, but I wanted to go ahead and share this now. Fourth post in a month, new record! Again, click the first link in this post to view the original project and meet Andrew.

"Dance! Dance! Dancing!"

My son, Andrew, has taken to convulsing in public and calling it 'dancing.' The wife claims he gets this from me, which may be true. She strictly choreographed our first (and only public) dance at our wedding reception beforehand. I was to lead in a left-right sway while slowly spinning – clockwise, it must be clockwise – as my hands rested on her hips and hers on my shoulders. After this traditionally mandated exercise, she retired to the table to gawk at those who would dare to make such fools of themselves in public – of which I was a subset.

To be fair to her, the shoes she had been talked into wearing for the ceremony were a fearsome pair of blister-inducing, shin-splinters. In addition, she did join us for group dances to the "Electric Slide" and "YMCA" – dances which are also traditionally mandated.

To be fair to me, I can at least produce the appearance of knowing what I'm doing. The secret is to force your face into its most serious expression so that everyone thinks you are concentrating on getting the moves just right, thus giving you the look of a true artist. Sadly, most of my attempts at fancy footwork quickly devolve into the 'skank' – a classic dance for ska music that involves swinging your elbows around and kicking your legs out while hopping to the beat.

Sadder still, Andrew appears to have not even progressed to the skank. He merely writhes and throws various sections of his body outward with no regard for the music. This gives the impression of either a nod to Dadaism or demonic possession. He does this while shouting various forms of the word 'dance', thus adding to his overall image of mental instability. He may be on to something, however, as he seems to have attracted more attention from his beloved teacher who exclaims, "Beautiful, Andrew! You are such an excellent dancer!" thus adding to her overall image of mental instability.

I'm trying to educate him on proper form – something The Wiggles have apparently failed to do. We've watched Breakin' (I and II), Footloose, and that one scene from Beauty and the Beast (we can't watch the entire movie as the clock man frightens him). Unfortunately, all this has served to do is inspire him to throw himself on the floor for his convulsions and call it 'break dancing.' At the store the other night a lady called for an ambulance thinking he was having a seizure.

My wife claims that it's just a phase and he will grow out of it soon, much like his crotch-punching phase. Still, I'm considering calling a special prayer session at church next Wednesday to lay hands on him. I'll wear my pea soup colored shirt just in case.

My Favorite 'Twilight' Involves No Prissy Vampires (Or, How Rod Serling Taught Me About Life)

Last weekend I discovered that Netflix has started to carry the entire original series of The Twilight Zone. I've loved the ethic dramas of Rod Serling and others for years. These stories have motivated my interests in stories and films of philosophical depth. These stories also have a heavy connection with my childhood. Because of this, I have been on a nostalgia kick while analyzing the roots of my psychological development.

I don't remember exactly when I first watched an episode, but I know I was around six- or seven-years-old. I would get up past bedtime to watch it and keep the set volume low so as to avoid confrontations with mom or dad. The stories Rod Serling presented would terrify and inspire me. Even as a child, I began to connect the terrors of the show with the realities of the world around me. I began to understand that the fears and desires of men - as well as their best intentions - could be their undoing or lead to great evil.

A few episodes still stick in my mind all of these years since.

A Nice Place to Visit taught me that Hell is getting everything you ever wanted, thus removing any sense of adventure - and any reason to live.

The Little People taught me to tread lightly in dealing with others as, although I may be above them, someone else is ultimately above me. This also gave me some hope when dealing with bullies in the many years to come. In addition, I learned never to think too highly of myself.

Nothing in the Dark taught me that I had nothing to fear from death as "What you feared would come like an explosion is like a whisper. What you thought was the end is the beginning."

The Obsolete Man taught me the value of ideas and of every individual. It taught me that even my death should be used to promote truth. As I grew older and watched it again, Romney Wordsworth's words further impressed on me the importance of actually knowing of God for myself. "You cannot erase God with an edict!" This may have inevitably triggered the Grand Search that led me to Christ.

It's a Good Life, that iconic episode, frightened me to no end. I learned that any power I may be equipped with should be used for the benefit of others and not to control them. The torment of Anthony's family and neighbors taught me that personal control of everything was not something to be desired, nor was the suffering of others just because they make you unhappy or hurt.

The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street (my favorite episode - the first I saw and often cited as the greatest episode of the series) taught me just how dangerous fear and ignorance could be amongst people. Fear leads to faulty conclusions and false knowledge. I remember identifying with the character of Tommy who, regrettably, provides the 'silly' concept that fuels the fear of the entire group and later has that fear directed toward him.

A Close Call

One of the blogs I follow (and I suggest you do too) recently made an interesting post describing what most of us would consider to be a major inconvenience to a large family. Instead of following her initial impulse to be bitter, she turned the situation on its head. Take a look:

I have been trying, every time I get stuck in traffic, or the keys get locked in the car, or we get lost on the way to our destination, to view these frustrations as ways in which God steers us away from more difficult circumstances, even danger. Maybe my plans are simply not what He had in mind. Maybe there are people whose paths we are to cross, whom we would otherwise never know, if our schedule went as we had designed. Perhaps, more seriously, we would have met our demise from a reckless driver or a downed tree or a deer in the road....we may never know this side of heaven, but it seems like a reasonable explanation to me.

About five years ago, when I was still working in a grocery store back home on breaks, I had gotten roped into working until 11:30 at night on the fourth of July. I hated to miss out on the festivities but I needed the money (the holiday pay was good). On my way home, I stopped at the traffic light in front of the shopping center. When the light turned green, I hit the gas to go and was met with a mild sputter and even the electrical system of my car failed.

Just as I was about to get mad, I saw a pickup fly through the intersection in front of me. The guy driving had plowed through a red light and would have plowed into me had my car not died. He didn't even have his lights on so I wouldn't have seen him in enough time to get out of the way.

I thanked God for the save and then felt like I should pray for that driver's safety. I then tried to start my engine again. It started perfectly and didn't give me anymore problems. As I made my way home, I passed the pickup down the road. The driver had received a blue-light special and was failing his sobriety test miserably, thus insuring a safe night in the clink (the power of prayer, I guess).

The thing is, had I not been inconvenienced, I would have been horribly maimed at the very least. My car just dying and then restarting with no previous or following problems is suspicious. I think Someone must have messed with my engine. I'm glad He did. It was all just a 'God-incidence'.

Because I Care Enough About You to Want You to Do Well

This past week I was on Spring Break so I made the painfully long [1] pilgrimage up north to see my girlfriend and her family [2]. There we watched movies [3], answered thought-provoking questions, ate good food, were blown away at a couple soccer matches [4], and baked cakes for three birthdays [5]. We also helped her little brother with his state history project [6] but the event this post refers to occurred the night before we left to visit my parents [7].

We were sitting around quite a while after the birthday party discussing the usuals of politics and the economy, when I noticed her little brother [8] sneak down from the top floor and further descend the stairs to the basement den. At first I assumed that he had forgotten something as he had been playing down there earlier; however, when he tarried and I could faintly hear some sounds, I knew exactly what he was doing. Not wanting to break up the others' conversation, I walked down the stairs myself.

I found him sitting in his Jar Jar Binks inflatable chair playing his X-Box 360 [9]. After telling him a couple times to save and shut down, and being blatantly ignored, I turned the game off.

"Why would you do that?"

"Because you know it's time for bed. You have school and tests tomorrow. You need sleep."

"I can sleep right here in my Jar Jar chair."

"No, you need to go up to bed and get a good night's sleep. Besides, Jar Jar is creepy."

"You can't make me, I'm staying right here!"

At this point I reminded him of my alternate identity as the tickle monster, thus removing him from the chair. I then carried him to the foot of the steps and told him to go on up.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because I care enough about you to want you to do well."

This stopped him for a second and then, "Well, you can't carry me up all of these stairs!"

"Wanna bet?"

At which point I carried him to the ground floor where, when he recognized he was caught, he begged to be released. I sat him down and accepted his poorly concealed hug [10] before he headed, begrudgingly, upstairs.

He got the message, much like one boy I knew way back when, who also liked to sneak down and play games at night, got the message [11].

[1] About five and a half hours but it felt longer since I was listening to Dawkins on audio book.

[2] Well worth the trip! She's the kind of girl that makes me understand my favorite Marvin Gaye song.

[3] Including one sharing the title of my favorite Bill Withers song, a blatant rip-off of Batman that allowed me to make some great '90s PSA references, and The Lincoln Lawyer, which I suggest waiting until it's out on DVD as it feels like it would be better on a home screen.

[4] No, the kids weren't that good. The wind was intense that day and left us with nice wind burns to go with our sun burns. I got to see kids kick soccer balls toward the other team's goal only to see the wind blow the ball right back over their heads. I also got to see a kid learn why you don't pee into the wind even if you were told to go by the fence that is facing the wind. Poor kid, but therapists have to make money somehow!

[5] Her mom, sister, and maternal grandfather all had birthdays that week. We celebrated them all together but we still had two cakes and one big bowl of Jell-O! I'm glad I came up with the idea of getting three candles representing the numbers of their combined ages as it made for less fire and less waxy cake.

[6] As a teacher I couldn't not help or, better put, I couldn't not criticize the meaningless organizational activity that was being passed off as a project while belittling the poorly written rubric that failed to include criteria mentioned on other randomly inserted sheets. This is why our state is doing better than their state. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

[7] A six hour drive that involves passing through two major cities and their continual construction projects. She must like Marvin Gaye too.

[8] Who was supposed to be in bed as he had school and state testing the next day.

[9] I must confess that my girlfriend, her sister, and I went in together to get this for him for Christmas so that we could prank him, but that's a tale for another day.

[10] Because I'm not buying that the squeeze was merely for stabilizing his landing.

[11] Thanks, dad! I love you! I figure you'll facebook-stalk your way here someday!